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September 25, 2013

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Vixi

Anna. I love you. First of all. I do, and I can tell you exactly how a woman would fall into this situation because I've been there. As a human being, we can do this stupid, stupid thing of falling in love. It makes us weak and a lot of times it makes us incredibly stupid and brainwashes without our partners even having to do anything but be themselves. Unfortunately, sometimes themselves are cruel, controlling, abusive and downright mean. I let mine happen. I did. I knew what was going on but I didn't fight. I didn't fight because I thought he wouldn't love me anymore. I thought I'd be alone. I thought I couldn't live without him. I felt obligated, constantly, to do as he pleased. Whether it was simply doing the chores around the house that he did or could not do, or submitting to him sexually, I felt like I was just being a good girlfriend. He made me feel horrible for saying no to him. He got extremely moody, he's 'pay me back' for it, somehow, so I did everything to avoid a negative reaction. That's how you train a human being. You train them by making them so very petrified of a negative reaction, that they do whatever you want them to do, even if they realize it's wrong and realize there's better. When you try sticking up for yourself because in your heart, you truly care for this person, you're called names and accused of random silly shit that makes no sense, so your self esteem moves down and down until there's nothing left. Carrying 4 children in 2 years, miscarrying all of them, is physical abuse. He impregnated me because he wouldn't wear a condom, and every time I asked, no, begged for him to wear one, he'd get moody and upset and make me feel like complete shit about it. I didn't like feeling like shit, so I stopped asking. I suffered emotional, psychological, mental, and physical abuse from this man. He disguised his controlling nature in the beginning, by saying things like 'I just want you to present yourself well, because first impressions on people matter'. I haven't worn bright colored eyeshadow in almost a year. He liked it natural. He complained everytime I used colors. I love, LOVE colors. Anyone who knows me, knows that. He had me trained. He really did. He broke my trust at an isolated event and it made me realize he was never who I thought he was, which gave me the strength to get the hell out of there. Most people wouldn't believe me. Most people say I'm exaggerating. I've had over 6 months to mull and think this through. It's the hardest thing in the world to say, Yes, I have been abused. Yes, it still effects me a lot to this very day. Yes, it still makes me cry from time to time. Yes, I'm still brainwashed quite a bit, 6 months later. As strong as I am now, I shudder to believe that I let all of this happen to me. I struggle to fathom how my spunk and fire left me. I dare to think I deserved this at some point. I breathe, hoping and thinking and believing, eventually, that I deserve better than what he was. There was a time where I believed like you, that it simply is getting out of the situation, that women realized what was going on, and they were ok with it. Many times, they do not, and cannot help themselves out of it. It took him traumatizing me, to break me out of it.

Vixi

also. My most recent blog on these events. http://vixensrock.wordpress.com/2013/09/20/nothing-but-the-truth/

Anna Rudschies

I haven't just focused on male violence against women in this post. However, it is more prevalent than the other way around and I chose to write certain things in my post from that perspective. Wherever possible and adequate, I put both genders in my arguments. I do not condone violence against men any more than I condone against women. I feel like what I wrote said this clearly enough and since the piece is already fairly long as it it, I did not differentiate further. I thank you for your comment, however. I disagree, though, that victims need to be allowed to exact violence on their oppressors or others, because they were victimised. In my experience, violence always begets more violence. That's not the way to go. Education and strenghtening of self-esteem and self-awareness are the way to do that.

Anna Rudschies

Your situation is exactly what I meant when I said we never choose to end up in a scenario like that. We all make mistakes and it's nothing to be ashamed of, even if we don't always see it like that at first. I think you're terribly brave for speaking out about this. Yes, you suffered abuse and rape. No, it's not your fault. I understand what happened because I know it's so difficult to fathom being alone or not loved anymore. We need to learn, though, that when violence happens, it IMMEDIATELY means that there is no love there. That it's about power and sex, not affection. Women need to get to a point where they are strong and cogniscent enough to end it all, right then and there, when violence happens the first time. This is why I wrote this post, this is my opinion. Is that easy? Will we ever fully get there? No and probably not. But we need to try and there need to be more of us who strive for it. It's very hard but it's not impossible. The more we think about this, search our souls and educate ourselves about violence and rape, the more we'll be able to parry those things. Again, I don't condemn anyone whom this has happened too. I feel for them, I really do. But once it's happened and even while it's happening (if possible), they need to ask themselves what went wrong and how to prevent it from ever happening again. I have zero sympathy for people like Melissa Gorga who hail this as perfect and functional or Rihanna, who has all the money in the world to be independent and still goes back to Chris Brown. Do I know the stats about women going back to their abusers 2-3 times before really breaking it off? Yes. It's still nuts and we need to help those women. With love and realism and education. They need to know that whatever "evil" may befall them upon leaving an abuser is nothing compared to the damage inflicted upon them if they stay.

relationshipxray

There is a routine to abusive people sometimes. You can't figure them out till it's too late. I got out of both my traumas and didn't see them coming, nor did my friends who met the guys. There is this thick layer of "nice guy" over some people and it's hard to break it. Hopefully you can get out as soon as possible, but the trauma stays there none the less in most cases.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo I recommend this video for understanding more.

Anna Rudschies

I think we agree at the core. I'll say this again though: I don't see domestic abuse as gendered. I know it happens to both. However, it was a long piece already, I was writing for women who get abused or see it happen to friends and I did not harp on differentiating after having made - I thought - sufficiently clear that I do not condone violence and rape from any gender to another.

Anna Rudschies

It's not "the problem" if this is what I set out to do. Clearly, if you need a more gender-neutral take on this, you'll have to search elsewhere for it.

Anna Rudschies

My dear boy, you have got to be kidding me. I've just read through your blog a bit to see where this stubborn insanity was coming from and now I get it. I could re-iterate a million times that I think men shouldn't be victims of violence either and you'd still harp on the fact that I didn't write this with complete gender neutrality because you just hate any kind of feminism at all. So, be warned: I will not leave another of your asinine comments go up on my blog. Take your trolling garbage elsewhere. This is a place for true communication and honest, sharing dialogue and the expression of one's views. It's not a place to foster trolls like you and I've already fed you way too much. It ends here.

Anna Rudschies

Absolutely, there is. I've seen it happen to a couple of friends and it broke my heart every time. We definitely need to learn that it's ok to question someone's motives and that just because a group of people agrees that they like a certain person, that doesn't mean we are wrong. Trauma like this does stay with you but knowing that you got out, that you didn't just take it eternally surely has to count for something. And isn't it better to have a trauma in your past than in your present or future? At least it's behind you and you can deal with it without being in it. Also: thank you so much for the link to the video, it's definitely a good source of information and insights! I hope others will go watch it too :)

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